"I will give you back your health and heal your wounds, says the Lord."
~Jeremiah 30:17a
Wow, how quickly life can change. Just in an instant, everything we once knew to be everyday, and easy for us, can be gone or changed in a heartbeat! In Don Piper's book, 90 Minutes in Heaven, he says, "Some things happen to us from which we never recover, and they disrupt the normalcy of our lives." That is so true. I think we take for granted that we have our health, careers, our homes, our families, and all of the things we have accumulated over the years. Then in an instant any one of those things can just be gone.
I think, more than anything, I have learned in the last year, that we must live in a way that we show love and appreciation to those people who are precious to us, be grateful for the things (careers, material possessions, etc.) that have been entrusted to us, and thank God daily for His grace that has been poured out on us for our salvation and health. When He sent His son to this Earth, it was for one ultimate purpose, to save us from our sins. His son also suffered tremendously for us. His body was bruised and broken so that we might be healed. Isaiah 53:5 says, "But he was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was on him, and by his wounds we are healed."
As I came out of surgery 3 weeks ago, I remember Dr. Krisht shinning a bright light in my right eye and then wiggling his fingers. I saw that perfectly. Then as he moved to my left eye, I saw nothing. It was then that all kinds of tests were being ran (even yesterday, I returned to Little Rock for more testing). I remember that night thinking, it's swelling, it will return. The next morning as he sat and talked with us, I could tell that this was probably going to be a permanent thing. As I sat crying with Ronny, I said, "but I'm a teacher, I teach reading and writing, I love to read, and I play the piano, how can I do these things and not see?!" During these last 3 weeks I have learned that things are different with one eye. My eyesight was something I took for granted, something I always thought would be there. It is uncomfortable and scary going out into a world that seems so big now. Things seem so big, yet some seem so small and far away. The normalcy of my life was disrupted with this eyesight issue, whether temporary or permanent, that is up to God. I truly believe He is bigger than this and He is still in the business of performing miracles. Some of my fears have already gone away: I have already read 4 books, and are simultaneously working on 5, 6, & 7. (I can't wait to tell my students--no excuses! We can read!) I can play piano, not as much by ear as I wish, but I can still read the music!!
The next disruption of normalcy is brain surgery. For a person who is on the go all the time, whether in working or in fun, life has somewhat smacked me down. When I was healthy, I could jump in the car and run whenever I chose. I could be a teacher, a pastor's wife, a college mom, a daughter, aunt, sister, friend, and a graduate student all at the same time. I'm now realizing that life has changed, and I know only for a season, but a hard thing to accept. As Don Piper also says in his book, "I had to adjust and accept my physical limits as part of my new normal." I know for healing purposes, the rest is a huge thing. Some of the smallest of tasks are overwhelming and exhausting. Again, even making the trek into public is somewhat overwhelming, it seems as though a big flashing marquee is above my head saying: "BRAIN TUMOR!" Sometimes it's discouraging because I think, will I ever return to what I once was? How long will this recuperation take? Will I ever be rested again? How will I return to my regular schedule when the Dr. releases me? I keep reminding myself that through my weakness He is strong! He promises to be there and protect me, to give me healing, to be my strength.
I think as humans, one of the hardest things to give to God and not take back is the control. We like to be in control of our lives, situations, etc. He wants us to totally depend on Him for everything. Paul tells us we must die to self daily. Well, I'm thinking sometimes it's by the hour, by the minute, every second of every day! A great reminder : Proverbs 3:5-6 says, "Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight." It is so hard to let go of the control completely. We say we do, but we seem to keep hanging on to a little corner of it, just in case "He can't handle it, we can help." He can do it all and He tells us that "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." ~Philippians 4:13. And yet, we want to think we can do anything in our own strength.
Father,
You are my provider and my healer. You are everything that I need! I have said it before, but need a constant reminder, Take my life, take my will, take my body (eyes, hands, feet, brain, every part of me) and make it all yours. May your will be done in my life. You gave me a calling for teaching and music, God, mold me into what you would have me to be. May every part of my life glorify You! I thank You for what You are doing in my life, even though I don't understand. Forgive me for questioning You, for not understanding, for getting angry! I believe You are a God of miracles--You can heal my eyes if You choose!! If not, You have a better plan in store for me. You are in control! I am not! I am waiting for You God to tell me or show me Your plan for my life. I know Your timing is perfect! I am still excited to see what you have for me!
In Jesus' name--Lisa
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