A Journey in the Midst of a Storm:
My log of travels on uncharted waters
March 2, 2011
Well, it is a little more than 6 hours before I have report to the hospital. Today has been just unusual. The months leading up to my surgery have just been so stressful. At times my stomach has given me trouble, my chest has hurt, my blood pressure has climbed higher than it should, etc.; however, since Sunday, I have finally seen and understood that passage that talks about a peace that passes all understanding. Today I have just had a calmness that I have not experienced during all of this time!! I have felt God's peace surrounding me. It's just unexplainable. I told Ronny earlier today that I felt as though I had take some sort of medication to calm me, but I haven't taken anything! I know that God is answering the many prayers that been coming from everywhere. I am just humbled and in awe at the people that have sent messages, texts, calls, and prayers!!
The following devotion was in my email yesterday morning. It put into words what I have been trying to say to all of you who have been encouraging and supporting me and my family during this trial.
Hebrews 6:10
God will not forget your work and the love you have shown him as you have helped his people and continue to help them.
LORD,
Thank you for the people in my life (family, friends, coworkers, students) who encourage me every day. I am so thankful for their embrace, warmth, compassion and mercy. What a blessing to receive a good word just at my time of need. Please pour favor all over these special people.
I hope Jan did not care that I reprinted this devotion! It was perfect. Tomorrow, I will not post, I will be a little tied up (ha!). Ashley will post an up date to let you all know what is happening. I'm going to get some rest now before our day hits bright and early. I pray that God be with each of you, blessing you all in your day tomorrow. I can't help but think of the song "Amazed" the lyrics are as follows: You dance over me, while I am unaware. You sing all around, but I never hear the sound."
Father, place your angels around me, protecting me and guiding the nurses and doctors. Give my family rest and peace. May they experience the peace that I have experienced over the last few days. Bring your healing in whatever way you see it. I'm willing to accept whatever it is you have for me. More importantly, I'm excited to see how you will use this trial to continually grow me!! Amen and Amen!
February 28, 2011
Started packing for Little Rock today! It's really real! It hit me as I was walking through the mall tonight looking for a robe & slippers, and....the dreaded head bands to cover the spot they are doing surgery, this is all really going to happen. How quickly 3 months can pass by!
Had a great day with my kiddos today. They added little notes of encouragement to my journal today! It blessed my heart to read over their writings. This journal will be something that will never go away. It is a constant reminder of not only the friends and family I have by my side, but more importantly my God who is holding me in His arms!
After spending the day with my 4th graders, I had dinner with a dear friend, and then prayed with some of my amazing church family members at church tonight. I am just in awe of the way that God is moving in our church!! He is pruning and growing people. Another friend and I talked tonight, I shared with her that the pruning is so painful, but following the pruning comes new growth! That is the exciting part! We both said tonight that we are learning so many lessons about ourselves and seeing how God is changing & growing us! Sometimes we want to see others change, but the change sometimes has to begin with us! Ughhh!! That's the difficult part!
Sort of dreading tomorrow!! A sad day...I leave my 4th graders for many weeks! I have been so blessed with a great group of kids, praying kids, I might add!! I also have praying parents along with them! I thank God daily for the families he has put in my life this year!
Well, off to make lists for Ashley and Ronny!! So many things to get done before we head off to Little Rock!! I'm just hoping I'll be home this time next week!!!
February 27,2011
Today was not the day that I thought it would be. It was so much better! I thought today would be a very difficult day as it is was my last day to be at church for probably several weeks. It will be the last day to be on the praise team for awhile, etc. I don't know about you, but when I'm away from my church family, I feel so disconnected.
For some reason, many prayers I'm sure, today was the most peaceful day. In fact, I have been more at rest and at peace today than any day since we found out all of this stuff we have been facing!! I believe today I truly experienced what the bible means when it says that we will have a peace that surpasses all understanding.
I didn't realize a few months ago when I made out the music schedule, that I was scheduling myself to sing a solo on the Sunday before I would be having surgery. I have had two songs on my heart in the last few weeks. The one I chose was "Healer" by Kari Jobe. Only through God's strength could I make it through. I have attached the song at the end of this posting (be sure to scroll down and pause the player that is playing before listening).
A friend and co-worker posted on my Facebook wall last night the following: "I know you are so scared, but I am excited for you. I can't put it into words, but I feel EXCITEMENT, almost giddy. I really believe something wonderful is coming from this." I had this on my mind most of the night and day today. I began to think, OK God, what is it that you want to do in my life? How are you going to use this for your glory? Is it merely to just teach me faith? or Is it to be a vessel to share an amazing testimony? At first I thought to myself, I'm glad she's excited, because I'm not sure I'm there yet. However, today, after having this same message from about 2 or 3 others, I began to get a little excited! My fear is that I just don't want to miss what He has for us! That is my prayer that I'm aware of what is going on around me and I want to know how He is using me!!
A scripture I have been hanging on to: "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong." 2 Corinthians 12:9-11
I'm so glad that He is strong for me, because I realize I can't make it on my own. Now, I pray that this same peace will continue to cover me this entire week! Say a prayer for us this week as we make preparations to head to Little Rock for my surgery. The surgery will be on Thursday morning sometime after the MRI. Probably around 7:00ish. Also say a prayer, because I have two days (Monday & Tuesday) to spend with my 4th grade students before being gone for around 6 weeks! This has been one of the hardest parts, walking away from them. I know they will be in amazing hands, but I will just miss them so much and miss getting to do what I so enjoy -- teaching!!
It's time to rest. Rest in God, and in His presence as He uses me and teaches me over the next several weeks. Lord, I'm truly amazed at the love you have for us. I know that "Nothing is Impossible for You!" You are my healer!!
February 26, 2011
It's been a week since I was able to post. I thought I might be able to post while I was learning in NYC, but couldn't do it on Ashley's ipad. Last week was a quick week, a week of missing my family and my friends, a week of amazing learning to take back to my students, but more than anything, God gave me a week to be so busy that I really did not have time to dwell on the this week that lies before me.
I shared with Ronny yesterday at lunch that when I'm sitting around the house, all that hangs over me is this approaching surgery and all that it encompasses. It gives time for fear to grow and worries to run rampant. The learning at Columbia kept me very busy, as did the fellowship with my teacher friends as we explored NYC. Thank you, God for this break in my thoughts!
I read in my book this week about the thorn that Paul carried around. There are many thoughts as to what this might have been. God allows these thorns in our lives at times. Sometimes these thorns come from Satan, whose goal is to harass and torment us. He does a great job of that sometimes. James McDonald says, "But if God's goal wasn't to use the thorn for your good, He would not have allowed it." He has promised that He "causes all things to work together for good to those who love God" (Romans 8:28). We may not understand it, nor does he need us to try to figure it out, He has promised He will use it for our good. God is teaching many things as we are going through this season of our lives. Another prayer from this book that was so good:
Father, I realize now that just because I know that thorns last and that You want to bring great good out of my thorn doesn't mean that my thorn will now be removed. I want to accept the fact that this may be the first in many lessons You want me to "get" from this thorn. But for now, I need your grace desperately not to be a quitter. I need to remember that Your grace, not my strength will carry me through.
Father, You can receive glory by my corns and also by my thorns. Either way, Lord, be glorified in my life. Let me count even the painful lessons as blessings from Your hands.
Lord, I realize that elevating my prayer life and deepening my time in Your Word are two sides of the same conversation. Help me hear You speak in such a way that I am drawn to You. I know You want Your Word to have that effect in my life.
And about that thorn, Lord. You allowed it for Your purposes and I long to see Your purposes fulfilled in my life. In Jesus' name, Who is my sufficient grace, Amen!
February 18, 2011
Today began with what I thought was a prayer time with a couple of friends. It was so much more! I was joined with many of my co-workers. I was then handed a journal filled with scriptures and encouraging words. These were penned by my co-workers at King Elementary, as well as friends from my former school, Central Middle School, and my church, CrossPointe Community. I am so blessed!! Just flipping through and seeing the different handwritings and names across the pages brought me to tears. God has blessed me so much with amazing friends. I will be reading through these promises over and over again!!
I finally had time this evening and tonight and read across the pages. I am so full!! God has given me so many good friends that are interceding on my behalf. The scriptures were such a blessing as well as the encouraging words!! One thing written in my journal was from Max Lucado that said, "Great acts of faith are seldom born out of calm calculation. But out of this fear would be born an act of faith, for faith is often the child of fear."
I will cherish these words!! Some day I will look back on this season in my life and will be reminded that God was truly with us, carrying us through this storm! God, thank you for my wonderful family and friends. Thank you for their encouragement, their strength, and most of all the love that they show.
Lisa
February 17, 2011
Wow! What a week it has been! Went to Little Rock Tuesday Evening in order to make it to my morning pre-op appointment at St. Vincent's Hospital. It was a day of mixed emotions. The day started by walking through the doors of the hospital, greeted by the following words, in big silver letters up towards the ceiling: "Peace I leave with you, peace I give you, I do not give you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid." ~John 14:27. This was so encouraging!
We made our way through different areas doing all of the fun stuff like paying our bill for something that hasn't taken place yet. Oh and the weighing thing, that's always fun. Especially when your with 3 other patients and the little old man says, "I guess we don't want everyone to see, then hints for us to all turn our heads." The next thing he says to the woman in front of me is, "What did that say? I couldn't see it, Oh 265, did you weigh 265 ma'am?" I thought great, and I'm next. Then there is all the EKG, blood work, and chest X-Ray. Three and a half hours later, after passing all the tests and meeting with the Hospital Dr., then it was off for a quick lunch and then to sit and wait at the surgeon's office.
All that waiting and about 10 minutes with the Dr. Enough time to leave there in tears! Time is just drawing close, and I guess I'm just getting anxious. Then when he began talking about the incision, he started pointing to a new spot, above my hairline, not below my hairline. So, then came the question, "Are you going to have to shave some of my hair?" To which he responded, just a swath across the top of my head, along my hairline and about 1/2" wide. Then he proceeded to tell me how some people bruise easily and to be prepared for black eyes and bruising from my eyes up. I left his office thinking how bad and messed up I'm going to look. I cried all the way home from Little Rock, all through church, and then all the way to school this morning.
Everyone has been so encouraging to me. Lots of suggestions of headbands, scarves, bandannas, or just go with funky, short, spiky bangs since the Grammy Awards proved that bangs of all kinds are back in. I know some might say, "You are having brain surgery, for Pete's sake! Just be happy they are removing this!" See I have had 3 months to deal with the surgery. It just hit and sunk in that I'm going to look a mess for awhile! I believe I hit a low point yesterday. I'm so ready for this to be behind us.
God works in amazing ways. About the time you hit the bottom of the pit, He sends someone your way to lift you up. Ronny, Ashley, and my family continually hold me up and have tried so hard through this entire process to always encourage me. My church family held me as I wept last night, and prayed over me numerous times after church last night. I received the sweetest, written prayer to God for me! Ronny found it waiting on his desk this morning. As I sat and read that three page letter to God on my behalf, I just sat and wept in His presence and in awe of the friendships that God has put in my way. He has given us more than just a church family--they are a part of our family! Then my King School family and other teachers in our district have just been tremendous! There is always an encouraging word, prayer, or scripture.
This is just how God is...when we don't have an ounce of energy left to give, when we can't even cry out in a prayer, He puts in place, those around us to lift us up, to intercede on our behalf. They hold our arms up as they did for Moses in the Old Testament. I'm so thankful for my family and friends that He has given me! I couldn't make it without them.
February 14th:
Happy Valentine's Day! This is a day to celebrate love. I'm overwhelmed by the love of my family, friends, and my students. All of these people will never know how much they mean to me and the love that I also feel for them.
We are commanded to love: "love God with all our hearts, souls, and minds, and love our neighbors as our self."
Even more than the love from all of these people is the love of my heavenly Father! This is a love like none other. He loves me so much that He even knows the number of hairs on my head. He even watched me being formed in my mother's womb. He knows every inch of my life. He has promised He will never leave me or forsake me, He is always with me!! (Thank you, Jason, for the reminder!)
So, here it is, God: all of my frustrations, all of my fears, all of my doubts, all of my worries. I give them to you. As long as I trudge along trying to make everything work in Lisa's way, it will become a frustration. I have to turn the reins over to Him. His plan is perfect and life would be so much smoother if I would just give it all to Him. The video below is an older hymn sung by Kari Jobe and Klaus Kuehn. It is beautiful and it is my prayer as I enter these next two weeks of our uncharted waters. Take My Life and Let It Be! Note: Go to the bottom of the page and pause the playlist so you can listen to the video.
February 12th:
Today was a great day hanging out with Ronny. We closed the night down visiting a local congregation and participated in a service of love, forgiveness, and restoration. God is continually growing us and teaching us.
It was great visiting with some friends I haven't talked to in awhile. It's amazing how much your friends just know you! I'm so glad that God has placed so many encouraging people in my life to say just the right things at just the right times!! (Thank you, Maria! Love you bunches!) She knew that as strong as I may seem, I was worrying inside!! Everyday is different, it's just like she said, a roller coaster of emotions!
I sometimes find myself worrying about worrying!! I worry, that my fears and anxieties are me not trusting God. I believe He is with me, He has everything under control. It's just all that stuff I don't know about. The things like, what if they give me the wrong medication, too much, or not enough? What if it hurts? What if they send me home too early? What if something happens when I get home? The questions sometimes just keep flooding my mind. This is the stuff that really, I just need to leave on Him and quit picking up! I do have faith that He can heal me if He so chooses! I believe that He can and will use this trial for His glory. If all of this is true, then why is it so easy to pick up those fears and hang on to them?
Then there is the getting ready for my sub, whom I know will be wonderful with my students. I sit here just staring at my computer, overwhelmed as to know what to leave her. We have missed so much school, I haven't been able to cover the material I wanted to cover before I'm off! I'm overwhelmed as I think of the parents of my students feeling like their child's education has been interrupted this year.
Wow...just lots of thoughts invading my mind! Thoughts I know I have to turn over to my Father! I can't do this on my own. I think this is one of the lessons He's teaching me. I'm not in control. I can't do anything on my own. The world teaches dependency as a weakness, and yet that's what He asks of me--to depend on Him with everything! OK, God, I give it to You! You have to help me!
Lisa
February 10th:
Today is exactly 3 weeks from when I will be having brain surgery. It's amazing at how the waiting for results of tests seemed to be an eternity, and yet these days before surgery seem to be flying. I'm having so many mixed emotions: fear, frustration, anticipation, anxiety, peace, etc.
- Fear of the unknown: pain, not being in control, etc.
- Frustration: There are so many things to do and not enough time to complete it all. I need to teach my students things before the end of the year approaches, and I keep getting interrupted with snow days, etc.
- Anticipation: I'm just wanting this to be over with--soon!
- Anxiety: I just don't know what to expect. I have never been in the hospital for very long at a time, much less in ICU!! I have never had any type of major surgery or even a broken bone for that matter!
- Peace: I am experiencing all of the above, yet have this peace that passes all understanding that God is bringing me through this, all the while teaching me many lessons!
The following prayer is in a book, Life is Hard by James McDonald. I am claiming this prayer for my life today!! It is as follows:
Father:
As best as I know how, God, I'm humbling myself before You. I'm bowing here in Your presence and I'm saying, "Lord, I do want wisdom and nothing is off limits. Whatever You want to teach me, I want to learn."
Why has this come into my life, God? You could have prevented it, but You've allowed it. Why have I not been able to learn this until now? Show me my weakness and sin as it really is. Open my ears to the words of those who love me and have tried to help me see it.
Forgive me for focusing so often on how others are getting git wrong and what they need to learn. Show me just myself, Lord, and let Your work in me be enough..."
Nothing is off limits. By faith, I'm asking You for wisdom--for insight into the next gap You want to fill between who I have been and who You want me to be. I pray for Your glory to be seen in my life as never before. I want to be that person with staying power. I'm not going anywhere. I'm not quitting. With Your help I will not give up. By Your grace, I choose to remain under the pressure until You choose to release it. What do You want to change in me, God? Please show me now!
By faith, I ask You to do this work in my life. Hold me here in this place until it is done. I trust You and I love you. In Jesus' name, I pray. Amen
Lisa
