We came home on Monday after an exhausting day of discharging, and eye doctor visit. Before being discharged, they removed my dressings, which was the first hard blow. They did not remove lots of hair (thank you Jesus!), but I have about 50 staples from temple to temple. That was a hard one to look at or take.
We left the hospital and drove straight to the eye Dr. After a visit with the eye specialist, Dr. Rozas is telling us that the blood supply to my left retina was stopped for too long of a time during surgery. It was not the surgery so to speak, but something pinched off my optic nerve. My retina should be orange, but is white, which shows permanent damage. I cannot see out of my left eye at all. It works well with my other eye as far as movement, but is non-reactive to light. This was another hard blow as we headed home on Monday. He said my right eye is very strong and I must protect it, as it is my only good eye now. He is watching me closely, because during the next 90 days, some hormone can try to grow vessels and fix my eye, because the blood flow is back. He said these are bad vessels and can hurt this eye or the other. It is a very small chance, and he can catch it quickly and fix it through laser or an injection.
It is amazing that God uses surgeons and doctors in amazing ways! I had an amazing team of doctors and nurses working with me. He blessed us so much by providing a surgeon who was very caring! He was with my family and I all through that first evening and night after surgery, running tests to check out my eye and make sure it wasn't something that would happen to the other eye, or to find out if he could correct what had taken place. Who would think 1 week following brain surgery, I'd be sitting here charting my courses??
I shared in an email with some of my school family that I have had a couple of days of pity parties, and trying to wrap myself around all of this!! I know that God is not finished with me yet. He allows us to go through things to grow us. I just finished my book Life Is Hard in the night last night (while unable to sleep). Here are a couple of insightful words I'm hanging onto (I requested some accountability, because giving up control is a hard one for me!!)
- Embracing God's purposes means you confess and live the reality that God is not asleep at the wheel. He is not AWOL. He's not running late for work.
- HE IS IN CONTROL!
- HE ALLOWED THIS!
- I may wish it wasn't so, but He could have prevented this trial, and yet He didn't!
- So the question is, "Again, Lord, What are you teaching me (us) through this?
- 2 Corinthians 12:10: "For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses." The NIV says, "I delight in weaknesses."
- Jesus, Himself, modeled this kind of victory in the garden when He prayed, "Your will be done." Not my will, God but Your will. That's the essence of submission, and that's where the victory begins.
My prayer of commitment:
Lord, I'm staying right here. I'm not looking for a way out. I'm remaining right here under the pressure. And I yield. As best as I know how, God, I'm not fighting You. I'm not angry with You. I'm confused sometimes. I'm perplexed. I'm sad, but I'm not angry. I trust You. I want to tell You, Lord I'm not going to quit. By Your grace and in Your strength, I am not going to quit. I am going to keep doing the things You've CALLED me to do. I'm going to keep believing the things I've always believed. I desire to get closer and deeper with You. I am embracing this trial. I'm treasuring these things you have taught me and I'm committing to You once again here and now, God. In Your sufficient grace I'm going forward. Turn these trials to gold in my life. I'm waiting to see it. My hope is in You. And I can wait!
In Jesus' name for His glory, Amen
I began James McDonald's second book today, Always True [God's 5 promises when life is hard], Jeremiah 32:27 says, "I am the Lord...Is anything too hard for me?" That would take me back a little. Oh me of little faith!!! McDonald says, "Sometimes in life, we look at our need or the overwhelming circumstances and we feel beaten before we start. But God asks, 'What exactly is that you think I can't handle?" A good one, huh? Why do we doubt Him. I just sang Kari Jobe's Healer a week ago, and the bridge says, "Nothing is impossible for You, Nothing is impossible! Nothing is impossible for You, You hold my world in Your hands."
Good night and say a prayer for sleep tonight! It comes off and on!! My brain needs sleep to bring complete healing!!
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